Monday, September 25, 2006

Lingerie Designers should all be murdered

Could someone please tell me my bra size? I swear to dog, I've tried to measure myself and I'm all thumbs. I don't trust sales people, and every bra I have fucking sucks. The underwire works half the day then spends the second half digging into my flesh like a stilleto into dirt. The lace itches, or flops like unenthusiastic puppy ears, or fades into colors which were not intended by the designer.

Oh for the love of all things holy why have lingerie designers forsaken me? The things which I like I cannot afford, the things I can afford fail to meet my expectations to such an extent that ace bandages and going commando seem an appealing alternative.

Let me give you a bit of preference here. I like g-strings (they are more comfortable than thongs), cotton bikini underwear (old navy makes the best imo), or low cut thongs (and these are a rare occasion kinda thing, I love em sometimes, sometimes I think Gisele should be burned in effigy for how uncomfortable they are). OH! and boyshorts (aka tap pants). How could I have forgotten those? They are absolutely lovely, clothing yet not, sexy yet comfortable, they are awesome.

Why am I such a picky panty person? Well I have no ass. To qualify that, yes I do have an ass, but in comparison to the rest of me it is sickly and miniscule, flat and stereotypically caucasian. I am only bootylicious when I am running and biking so much that my ass is big and juicy from the muscle underneath my lily white skin. Otherwise? Not so much. Now I'm not complaining, but it can make finding cute jeans and comfortable underwear a pain in the butt. (I know, I know, I had to.) Anything in my size results in a handful of excess fabric on my tush, not a flattering look.

Anyway, I must run.

Thank you.

Besitos para tu. (I tried to proofread that, but babblefish is down. FUCKING BABBLEFISH!!!)

(© Alice Ginsberg)

1 comment:

Mitzi said...

Bras: TRUST the little old sales ladies with their measuring tapes. Find an afternoon and go seek them out at Bloomingdales. You will be amazed, as they will very likely give you a bra size you have never worn in your life. Be prepared to get gropped and adjusted but in the end you will head home with a shopping bag full of bras that you will never have to give a second thought too.